Thursday, September 19, 2013

First anniversary

Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of our little girls L and D being in our home.
While we are ecstatic about this I am not quite sure how to handle it.
Even though we have had more than 30 kiddos in our home since we were licensed.
These are the first ones to make the year mark.
I have really been thinking about this, and have no idea what to do lol.
While I think a celebration of some kind is in order. I am concerned that it might in some way make L have a less than positive emotional response. She has recently hit the wall so to speak. The one that all the kids hit, that shows that they have realized this is a serious thing. That they are not going back to the home they shared with their bio family as soon as they want to. In her case this has manifested itself in acting out, fits, refusal to follow even the simplest rules.
The most concerning of those behaviors is lashing out physically agains D.

So while we want to celebrate I am hesitant.
I would greatly appreciate some feedback.
I would like to know if other foster parents celebrate these anniversarys, or is it just another day?
Please comment on the blog directly. Thanks

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Why on earth do you do that????

Okay I have been reading a lot of blogs lately that are posted by either foster or adoptive families.
I have found them to be very helpful. I either get great ideas for alternate ways to address issues with my 
extra blessings. Or I am able to see that we are not the only ones dealing with this behavior challenge. 
You get the idea. The first lessons I learned when we started this wild ride is that no one understand like another foster/adopt family. 

So here is the thing that I have been really thinking about lately. 

I get questions all the time, normally from well meaning friend, or acquaintances.
I am having a hard time with coming up with appropriate responses. 
I have no trouble with the positive questions and comments. Those give me a chance to share our thoughts and give that person some data to process. If that causes even 1 more foster/adopt home to become available them its worth have the conversation a thousand times. 

The ones I have more trouble with are the purely negative, degrading, comments and questions. 
Those stand my hair on end and are a bit of a hot button for me. 

My instant knee jerk response is always, first what business is it of yours, second its my life. 
I certainly do not see how it impacts or effects you in any way, so but out and go crawl back under 
your rock. Now I know this is not polite, constructive or helpful. 

So here are some examples. 
1. Well you already have 4 kids why would you take on more? 
2. How can you take care of them with so many?
3. How is that fair to "your" kids?
4. How do you do that? 
5. Are they all yours?
6. Oh and my favorite, there are lots of people out there that want kids and can't have them. 
    You should get out of the way and let "those" people have them. 

Okay what I really want to say is go fly a kite, its nonn of your business. 

Now of course that is no more the actual answer than the man in the moon, lol. 

So when I can tell that the questions listed as well as other are asked out of curiosity and care. The answers are as truthful and informative as I can give them. 

1. Well you already have 4 kids why would you take on more? 
The honest answer here is we had a relatives children living with us for an extended period of time. 
We were able to see that we could handle additional kids in addition to our Bios. 

2. How can you take care of them with so many?
All I can say to this is once you get past 2 for me anyways adding another is not a big deal. 
It normally takes a week sometimes to for a new child or children to settle into the household and routine. 
Now of course no one is perfect and there are exceptions to this rule of thumb. 

3. How is that fair to "your" kids?
The way  see it my Bio family is so unbelievably Blessed by this experience. We all learn things from each new family we are involved with. lessons like patience, tolerance, forgiveness, appreciation. 

4. How do you do that? 
 For the most part you just hold on and Pray. You life will always be chaos, but as long as its organized chaos its going to be fine. Don't sweat the small stuff, focus on the big things. Helping the kids learn life schools they will need when returning to their Bio families is a major priority for us. 

5. Are they all yours?
Yes every last one. They are mine from the minute we get the call and agree to take the placement. 
They never stop being mine no matter how long they have been out of our home. Ever one of these kids 
no matter if I gave birth to them, or got a phone call at 2 in the morning asking if we can take them. 
Now don't get me wrong there are days I would like to throw ever last one away, and wonder what on earth was I thinking. But I would not trade a single day of my life from the day my oldest son was born to today 
for anything in this world. The good days by far out way the bad. 
I am blessed to have each one of these kids in my life. 

6. Oh and my favorite, there are lots of people out there that want kids and can't have them. 
    You should get out of the way and let "those" people have them. 
To which the only response I can come up with is. I wish all those people would open their homes and hearts to these kids. However for the most part, "those" people want a health, happy, infant. They do not want a 4 year old that lashes out. Or a 2 year old that is inconsolable because its dark in the car, and she is terrified of the dark. They do not want to have to deal with the challenges that these kids face everyday to try to function. Because of the trauma they have lived through. 

But that to is their loss.They will never know the pure joy and pride that you feel as that little Angels 
mommy, when they finally are finally able to ride home from church in the car after dark without having a 
meltdown. Or that moment when they tell you they are mad with words instead of flying into a rage. 
Or that moment, when finally after months of holding them and telling them you love them, that mommy is here, they are safe and you won't let anything happen to them. They finally trust you to keep them safe. 

Because the kids need me, they are the innocents in all of this and the most effected by it. 
They have no control over the parents actions that cause them to be placed into Foster care.
Nor for that matter did they ask to be born into the family, or situation they were. 
To many time kids are judged by their parents wrongs, or the simple fact that they are in Foster Care. 

So I guess to be honest I have no idea where I was trying to go with this post. 
However I think I need to climb down off my soap box LOL 

Feel free to comment.